Who Is The Boss?

Shortly after I moved to Boston, I was hired as the worship leader for a small Baptist church in northern Massachusetts.  The job provided extra income while I worked full-time as communications director for a leading legal rights organization in charge of a number of initiatives and cases affecting the GLBT community.  Knowing that the belief for equal rights marriage was not completely aligned with the church I was working for – I decided to hide the truth of what I did and who I was.

It wasn’t until the pastor of the church, my boss, heard something on the radio that piqued his curiosity about my full-time job.  This caused him to call a very private meeting between him, me and the elders of the church.  On that night, they asked me various questions about what I did, why I was affiliated with an organization that fought for gay marriage and how I was able to reconcile this with leading the church in worship every Sunday.   They questioned my faith and my allegiance to the congregation.  My identity was in crisis and it was brought on by their judgment.

What I learned is that in crisis you can decide to do one of two things:  Live in a lie and deny that the crisis exists OR show the crisis who you really are and move forward in truth.  As I sat there in judgment, I knew my intention was not to deceive, but my decision not to be truthful was a result of fear.  What I know now is that the fear of telling the truth doesn’t have as much power as the freedom that comes with being honest to yourself and others.  No matter the outcome.

While the crisis of their judgment loomed over the room, I knew that it wouldn’t last forever.   I was fired and was asked to leave immediately after the meeting.   I cried every mile of the way home.

Spiritual teacher and author Gary Zukav says, “If you do not bring forth the truth of your heart, how can you give the gifts that you were born to give?  Potential that cannot break through encrusted fear becomes frustration, resentment, hopelessness, anger and rage.  Self-hatred is self-destruction.”

I knew that those tears were not a result of self-hatred…they were tears of self-evolution and a pure sign of breakthrough.  By telling the truth, I had finally shown the crisis who was boss.

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