Who Is The Boss?

Shortly after I moved to Boston, I was hired as the worship leader for a small Baptist church in northern Massachusetts.  The job provided extra income while I worked full-time as communications director for a leading legal rights organization in charge of a number of initiatives and cases affecting the GLBT community.  Knowing that the belief for equal rights marriage was not completely aligned with the church I was working for – I decided to hide the truth of what I did and who I was.

It wasn’t until the pastor of the church, my boss, heard something on the radio that piqued his curiosity about my full-time job.  This caused him to call a very private meeting between him, me and the elders of the church.  On that night, they asked me various questions about what I did, why I was affiliated with an organization that fought for gay marriage and how I was able to reconcile this with leading the church in worship every Sunday.   They questioned my faith and my allegiance to the congregation.  My identity was in crisis and it was brought on by their judgment.

What I learned is that in crisis you can decide to do one of two things:  Live in a lie and deny that the crisis exists OR show the crisis who you really are and move forward in truth.  As I sat there in judgment, I knew my intention was not to deceive, but my decision not to be truthful was a result of fear.  What I know now is that the fear of telling the truth doesn’t have as much power as the freedom that comes with being honest to yourself and others.  No matter the outcome.

While the crisis of their judgment loomed over the room, I knew that it wouldn’t last forever.   I was fired and was asked to leave immediately after the meeting.   I cried every mile of the way home.

Spiritual teacher and author Gary Zukav says, “If you do not bring forth the truth of your heart, how can you give the gifts that you were born to give?  Potential that cannot break through encrusted fear becomes frustration, resentment, hopelessness, anger and rage.  Self-hatred is self-destruction.”

I knew that those tears were not a result of self-hatred…they were tears of self-evolution and a pure sign of breakthrough.  By telling the truth, I had finally shown the crisis who was boss.

www.insightfulvoice.com

If Not Now, Then When?

I was having dinner with my friend Ralph, when I took out my phone and saw missed text messages announcing the death of Whitney Houston.  After I shared this news with Ralph, we talked about the songs that came immediately to our minds in honor of Whitney…all for different reasons that were connected to various occasions at any given time of our lives.

But overall, no matter the song, we agreed on the momentous impact that her talent and voice had and the gift her existence gave to this world.  After I watched the media broadcast aspects of her life from her first introduction on Merv Griffin singing “Home” to her last video “I Look To You,“ the shortness of life became palpable.  It left me asking, “What is the difference between being alive and truly living?”

What I have learned, in times of loss and grief, is that it is my responsibility to move forward in honoring those whose lives have ended, but in the same breath recognize the overall gift of life.   For a moment, I will sit in reflection and mourn.   It has been said that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.  However, what’s most important is deciding what I will do when the mourning ends and the morning comes that will help me fulfill the life I most want to live.  If not now, then when?

www.insightfulvoice.com

Me and My Shadow

As I wrapped up another blog entry for “My IV”, I received a call from a friend that couldn’t understand why I put my personal past for everyone to read and analyze on this site.  She went on to say that my dark, shadowed past life lessons could be seen as weak, flawed situations that I have yet to resolve.  She wondered would that help or hurt my recently launched life coaching practice.

The question and critique took me by surprise and I had to step back and look at the big picture of life to understand why I was really doing this.

What I learned is that I am becoming a life coach that can no longer be scared by his shadowy past no matter how much light shines on my life.  I’ve learned not to allow my shadowy past to haunt me or pull me down.  My shadow is there to hold me up and push me forward.  It is only when I’ve learned to embrace who I am, that I can fully honor who I am becoming.

www.insightfulvoice.com