Being Guided by Betrayal

My betrayal came in the form of someone cheating on me.  It was hard for me to understand why he did it.  What did I do to make him cheat?  What did this mean for our future?  I tried to answer these questions alone but realized they were somewhat irrelevant and knowing the answers would not accomplish my heart’s goal.  What I most wanted to do was find a way to move beyond the pain and alleviate the hurt.

I decided to meet up with him for dinner and tell him how this betrayal affected me.  At the end of our conversation, I was going to be the “better” person and forgive him.  However, my intentions for the discussion were pompous and completely self-serving.  I wanted him to tell me how broken he was, how he regretted his decision to betray me and, overall, that he wanted me back.  None of this happened.  He offered no remorse.  No apologies.   It was a harsh good-bye.  I was left in the same place…still betrayed.

It wasn’t until six months later that I truly got what I should have done in that situation. When I told him I forgave him, I should have said that for me.  And I should have meant it with no expectations that he would return the sentiment.  I learned that true forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past - in other words, giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

While the hurt was still there – I just had to give myself permission to feel it.  Repressed hurt is like an inflatable ball being pushed beyond the surface of a swimming pool.  You can push it down all you want, but you eventually get tired of holding it and soon, it will come back up and hit you in the face.  Letting go of your hope for the past will eventually deflate hurt.  And then you can use hope for its true purpose…to guide you into a loving relationship that you deserve.

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