Being Guided by Betrayal

My betrayal came in the form of someone cheating on me.  It was hard for me to understand why he did it.  What did I do to make him cheat?  What did this mean for our future?  I tried to answer these questions alone but realized they were somewhat irrelevant and knowing the answers would not accomplish my heart’s goal.  What I most wanted to do was find a way to move beyond the pain and alleviate the hurt.

I decided to meet up with him for dinner and tell him how this betrayal affected me.  At the end of our conversation, I was going to be the “better” person and forgive him.  However, my intentions for the discussion were pompous and completely self-serving.  I wanted him to tell me how broken he was, how he regretted his decision to betray me and, overall, that he wanted me back.  None of this happened.  He offered no remorse.  No apologies.   It was a harsh good-bye.  I was left in the same place…still betrayed.

It wasn’t until six months later that I truly got what I should have done in that situation. When I told him I forgave him, I should have said that for me.  And I should have meant it with no expectations that he would return the sentiment.  I learned that true forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past - in other words, giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

While the hurt was still there – I just had to give myself permission to feel it.  Repressed hurt is like an inflatable ball being pushed beyond the surface of a swimming pool.  You can push it down all you want, but you eventually get tired of holding it and soon, it will come back up and hit you in the face.  Letting go of your hope for the past will eventually deflate hurt.  And then you can use hope for its true purpose…to guide you into a loving relationship that you deserve.

www.insightfulvoice.com

Scott Kearnan: Dwelling In the Process

The Five Things Scott are Thankful For:

1. Family - As I Define It (I feel boring saying this, but it's #1)
2. Courage
3. An Inquisitive Mind
4. Tradition
5. Madonna

Josh Beasley: Communicating Real Joy

Five Things Josh Beasley is Thankful For:

1. The ability to change and grow.  I am grateful for my own ability to change – even when it’s hard to hear and difficult to make that change.  Without that change, I would never be able to live my best life!  But I also appreciate other people’s ability to change and grow!  When I get to see that, it’s like being given a glimpse behind the curtain of a miracle!

2. My amazing friends who support and love me through everything life throws my way!  Together we talk, laugh, cry, pray, eat, drink and dance our way through this journey and I couldn’t think of a better way to do it! 

3. Things that make me laugh because they remind me to not take everything so damn seriously.  Sometimes it’s the mindless giggles caused by The Simpsons.  Or my drunken friends (most of them) as we one-up each other into big, loud, belly-laughs!  Laughter helps me remember to breathe, to relax and to let go! 

4. The realization that I deserve good things in my life.  This is a BIG one!  On the surface I’ve been told I don’t come across as insecure, but I’ve struggled for years with low self-esteem.  I have always had a negative kernel deep inside telling me I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve better, I can’t maintain.  Until recently, this small but powerful lie has dictated more of my life than I want to admit.  But it is a lie based in fear; it is not reality!  Knowing that means I get to choose, I am not dictated to by my fear.  “When you know better, you do better.”

5. Having a job that I love that also makes a difference in the lives of other people.  Anyone in my life knows that I work in nonprofit organizations and will probably never leave this type of work.  As I’ve grown personally, I’ve been able to grow professionally as well.  It is such a blessing to use the gifts I’ve been given to help others!

www.insightfulvoice.com

Alex Gonzalez: Identifying Passion and Service

Five Things Alex Is Thankful For:

1. My family: my parents have worked so hard their whole lives to make sure I had opportunities they never had. They are the single biggest influence on my life.

2. My mentors: as the first member of my family to go to medical school, I have really needed to rely on the advice of teachers and colleagues throughout my training and career. Their guidance has meant so much to me, because it has been offered not out of a sense of obligation but out of a genuine interest in helping me succeed.

 3. The book: "Outing Yourself" by Michelangelo Signorile. I grew up in a very conservative and insular environment. This book was the closest thing to an "It Gets Better" video that we had in 1999. If I hadn't read it, I doubt I'd be successful, happy -- and perhaps even alive -- today.

 4. My patients: My patients, and the 16,000 patients of Fenway Health, are an automatic daily affirmation for me. It's extremely rewarding to know that such special people -- some of them very vulnerable, with tough struggles in their lives -- can trust me and depend on me to help them.

 5. My friends: They say that friends are family that you choose to have in your life. I'm so lucky to have friends from every phase of my life. It brings me so much joy to get to share in their lives, to watch how much we have all grown up. And since I'm so far away from my family in Miami, I really value my friends up North as a source of support, solace, and celebration.
www.insightfulvoice.com

Jimmy Rock: Being Who You Are...Unapologetically

Five Things Jimmy Rock Is Thankful For:

1.  My friends:  During undergrad and law school, I happened upon some kindred souls that have stayed close by me on life's journey.  This small group of guys know me completely and it is a relief to know they are there for me no matter what.  Most of has have wandered off to different cities at this point and one of my favorite parts of the year is when we all (or mostly all) get together.  it is a time when I can let my guard down, and generally just cut up and enjoy being around them.  You know who you are and I love you guys.
2.  My boyfriend:  What can I say, anyone that is willing to put up with me for four years and counting is a saint.  We have been through a lot in those four years, most of it good, and I look forward to the next forty.  Match.com said we were only 80% compatible, but that is only on our worst days.  Most of the time its closer to 83%.  I love you, Tom!

3.  Karaoke and/or Piano Bars: It is true, I have been known to belt out a showtune or two and my rendition of Holly Near's Daddy's Hands will bring a tear to the eye of the most jaded queen.  I am always on the search for a new haunt when on the road -- my current top three are Marie's Crisis in Greenwich Village, Tavern on Camac in Philly and the Front Porch Bar in P-Town.  And, of course, if James and I are ever together, and you should catch our version of Copacabana, you will be the thankful one. 
4.  My Parents:  Joyce and Calvin are simply the best.  They supported me without hesitation when I came out and gave me the space to move off and be who I wanted to be without too much grief.  And they are surrogate parents to most of my friends too!
5.  Rooms in church basements:  They have saved my life.      

www.insightfulvoice.com

Lindsay King: Following Your Bliss

FIVE THINGS LINDSAY IS THANKFUL FOR:

1.  I am thankful for my independence. Not as an American. Although I am. I am thankful that I was still single, without kids, OR a husband, at the age of 32. I got laid off, from a job that I hated, when the economy went south two years ago. And one night, sitting on my beautiful deck, overlooking downtown Austin, TX, having a glass of wine, I got to say to myself…”What is it you really want to do with your life?” And within a span of two glasses of wine, I got to figure out that I wanted to go to culinary school. And not only go, but move to New York City to do it. The best city in the world, outside of maybe Paris, to cook in. Without that “independence”, I couldn’t have done it. Lots of people are always asking, “When are you getting married?” “Who are you dating?” “Don’t you want kids?” But because I was SINGLE and KIDLESS(that’s a word, by the way), I got to just think about me. How often does that happen?!?! (And it has been the best thing I have ever done with my life.)

2. I am completely and utterly thankful for my “chosen family”. Meaning my friends. NYC is a hard city. Really, really hard. It’s fast paced, expensive, and completely narcissistic. So when you find people who love you and want the best for you, and think about you before themselves, it sometimes blows you away. I have spent the last two Thanksgivings and the last two Christmas’ with my “chosen family”. And have had such a sweet and inspiring time. I spent last Christmas with a shaman, two lesbian couples, and one holy, blessed man from Nigeria. I learned so much and felt such love from them. What you can learn from others if you just stay open and receptive will ALWAYS blow you away. I am so thankful to be able to call them friends. And my views have changed so much about what makes this world go around. And for that I am truly grateful.

3. I am thankful for public transportation. And there is a selfish reason for this. When I moved to New York, I was about 50 pounds overweight. And I thought I would never make it in a city where you have to walk everywhere. But being here has turned me into an “active” person. I walk all the time. And being in a profession where I am on my feet 8 to 12 hours a day also keeps me moving. And in the span of two year, I have dropped 55 pounds. I haven’t EVER been as healthy as I am now. Clothes shopping has never been as fun. And I haven’t felt this good since I was in high school. And I’m 34 years old. Now this may seem like a shallow “thankfulness”. But when you have been overweight for a good span of your life, it really isn’t. And I will never go back to my old ways.

4. I am thankful for families that adopt. My older sister recently adopted two kids from Ethiopia. And watching what they go through has made me realize what it takes to adopt…from anywhere. These are kids that are marginalized. Left behind, forgotten, abandoned, beaten, starved. The traumas that they have faced in their short life spans, will be more than what any of us will ever have to deal with in our own lives. I have watched them be terrified, angry, defiant, giddy, loving, hateful, and down right mean. But then to watch, when they are really starting to realize that they have a loving family forever, whether they are good or bad, happy or sad, mean or nice. And to see their little spirits heal, and start to transform…it makes me see what is really important in this world. And to see that one family can make a difference. I cannot put into words what this has done to me. And to hear two screaming, adorable voices over the phone asking about “Nudea York” and telling me that they “love me more”...it’s what the Lord wants the world to be, and it’s who I want to be in this crazy world.

5. Finally, the one everyone always says, I am thankful for my family. I was born into what I consider to be the absolute perfect family. My parents are the best, most supportive (emotionally, and maybe more importantly, financially) people I could ever ask for. My dad hung the moon in my eyes. My mom, she made the stars. And they are still happily married after a hundred years. My siblings…well let’s just say that if you mess with them, you will for sure…get the horns. I would not be who I am without my faith or my family. I am who I am because of them. I have my independence, because of them. I can be completely ok with spending Christmas with my “chosen family”, because of my real family. They were the ones who more excited about me becoming healthy than I was. They gave me two darling Ethiopians and three adorable Texas nieces and nephews. They are the reason I have made it in this world. Them and God.

Lindsay, the Kings, the Hatmakers, and the Zagers. Together we are going to make this world a better place. For everyone.

www.insightfulvoice.com

We've All Been There

It started as the last night on the town in Houston, Texas.   After an early evening cocktail party turned into dinner with wine….and dinner with wine turned into late night drinks…the morning after I was turned into a mess.   To make matters worse, I had a 10 a.m. flight back to Boston.

The only thing that got me to the airport and my gate on time was prayer.   Once on the plane, I took my window seat next to an older woman.  And although I was holding on to the armrests for dear life, the plane cabin would not stop spinning.  Then came the cold sweats and the nausea.  I put my head between my knees because I started to get dizzy.  The woman looked at me and asked, “Are you a nervous flier?” And I embarrassingly replied, “No, I’m just hungover.” 

As the flight attendants prepared the cabin for take-off, I kept wondering what the woman next to me must be thinking.  She must be judging me for being completely out of control.  She must be judging me for bringing this chaos into her peaceful trip.  She must be judging me for taking the airsickness bag from the seat and disembarking my breakfast.  I climbed over her and ran to the bathroom as the plane began to ascend. 

Once I regained my composure, I returned to my seat without looking at the woman and stared out the window.  I then felt her pat my back and she said, “We’ve all been there.”

Because of her, when I see someone in distress or in the midst of a mistake – I hold my judgment.  When I judge, my complete vision and focus is turned to all things outside of myself.  I know that judging is used as a defense mechanism so that I don’t have to face what I dislike about myself.  I disassociate myself from the humanness that connects me and another person.  Now I know it’s not only important to understand that we’ve all been there, but it’s also important to understand where that person is coming from.  www.insightfulvoice.com

Belong

When I moved to Boston 10 years ago, I accepted a job as communications director for a leading legal rights organization in charge of a number of initiatives and cases affecting lesbian, gay, bisexual people and the transgender community.

As the communications director, my biggest challenge was trying to wrap my head around men or women who felt as though they were genetically assigned to the wrong body.  How could I make these stories digestible and relatable to others?  To help me prepare for this work, my friend introduced me to one of his closest friends who was transgendered.  I asked her, “What does being transgendered mean to you?”  

She told me about a time when she was 16.  In her small town, there was no one like her.  She had a desire to connect with others –this was an all day, every day feeling that would not go away.  Then she heard about a unique event taking place not far from her home.  It was a conference sponsored by Transgender Tapestry, a publication that celebrates diversity of gender expression.   When she arrived at the event and started to meet the others who were attending, she was able to define what “transgender” meant to her.  And that was the definition she shared with me.  She said, “It was the first time I felt I belonged.”

Everyone has the desire to belong to something greater than themselves.  To know that you are part of something bigger brings a sense of purpose to who you truly are.  I have gotten the great opportunity to meet many kinds of people throughout my life, but the greater opportunity and gift was to learn of them and take time to hear their story.  What I learned is that I relate to them on a bigger scale and that we are more alike than we are different.  It brings a sense of belonging to my life – and gives me a clearer picture of who I really am.  www.insightfulvoice.com

Then And Now

Workshop attendees develop and present their personal mission statements during 
the HBGC 2011 Youth Empowerment conference.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking at a youth empowerment conference.   My workshop was titled, “Who Do You Think You Are?” and the age of attendees ranged from 15 to 18.  It was an honor to interact with these future leaders in a classroom setting where we took an hour out of our day to learn about what we each stood for and how we could be of service to others.

I was amazed at the truthfulness of these 21 individuals who were in the midst of becoming who they were driven to be.  On my way home after the workshop, I thought about some of the attendees, their stories and personal mission statements.  I reflected on the person I was at that age…and the lessons I could have learned from these young people.  Then I had a thought.  If I had the opportunity to go back in time, what would I tell my younger self:

1.  Help manage your parents’ expectations for your life by telling them the truth.
2. When people challenge you by saying, “Who do you think you are?”, they are really asking themselves, “Who do I think I am not?”
3. You WILL get back fat – either exercise now or learn to embrace it.
4. Don’t blend in, blend out.
5. It’s not always about you.

I understand fully that these are applicable life lessons for then and now, and I have these empowered youth to thank for this realization.  www.insightfulvoice.com

What's The Rush?

Lately I’ve found myself running at a fast neck-breaking pace…trying to beat life to the punch.  Like many of you, I get occupied by friends and colleagues who are also running this race we call life.  I continue to check and see how I measure up to their success.  I often focus on how far along they have progressed on their personal journey, and wonder why I’m not there yet.  This hurried motion only leaves me exhausted, more impatient… and running towards something that appears to have no finish line.

My constant need to do things bigger, better, faster than others keeps me from dwelling in the process of learning.  It also causes me to disrespect my own journey and blinds me to the possibility of what can be gained by slowing down.

First lady Michelle Obama said this in a recent talk to a crowd of young adults, “The only thing that happens in an instant is destruction.  Build something…earthquake, it’s gone.  But everything else requires time: raising children, building a family, having a career.  All of it takes time.”

Instead of concentrating on what other people are doing and allowing myself to be consumed by the speed they can deliver it, I have now made the decision to slow down and define what I, and only I, can give back in my personal or professional life.  I have started to realize that the slowness is not a reason to stop and be impatient, but it gives me the energy and focus to keep moving toward the highest expression of MY life…in my own time, and at my own pace.

Breathe This Way

It had been a rough day at work – one of those days when nothing goes right and you’re blamed for everything that goes wrong.   I left work defeated, but my day was far from over.  I had a volunteer commitment that night and a networking event after that.  My day had to go on, I just wasn’t sure I could.  I was so exhausted I could barely catch my breath.  

Then my cell phone rang and it was my mom.   She sensed my restlessness and asked what was really going on.  I took a breath…and I begin to spill my guts.  She listened without interruption.  Just an occasional, “I understand.”  After what was probably 30 minutes of me talking and her listening, I realized that I had reached where I was going. 

I said to her, “I’m sorry I’ve been talking this whole time.  I feel better. I guess I just needed to breathe.”  And she replied, “Breathe this way any time.”

After I heard those words, I was able to step back and look at the big picture of my day, and really my life.  I learned that allowing myself to breathe centered me and allowing myself to talk about what was bothersome helped me gain perspective.  But the biggest thing I learned is how important it is to have someone listen to you.  It is our deepest desire to be heard.

In hearing myself, I understood that whatever daily trials I encountered – I was still here.  I had the same power to accept those feelings of defeat that I had to reject them.  I was going to get through this day just like I always have.  And I was able to remember this because someone took the time to listen.  This simple gesture breathed life back into my day.

A Piece Of Cake

I recently dined at a restaurant that is popular for everything on the menu.  When I arrived, I had no idea it was going to be the meal of a lifetime.  Well it was…until the dessert came.

I ordered the “Fallen Chocolate Cake”.  I was very disappointed at the dry texture of the outside of the cake, and I wasn’t too impressed with the presentation. Although I wasn’t completely satisfied with what had been brought to me, I kept eating it – thinking, “Since I asked for it and started it, I’m going to finish it.”  Then something happened.  I got to the center of the cake and I can’t even type what I experienced.  It was a fountain of perfection that made me think, “Oh, this is exactly what I expected…and what I’ve been waiting for.”

Sometimes life can be that way.  We ask for something and then when it comes, we are completely disappointed because of how it looks, how it is presented or how it doesn’t live up to what we had in mind.  However, if we take the time to be patient, keep moving forward – we may find that we are pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

Before you reach judgment on an experience, an offering or even a person…take time to enjoy what is in front of you.  Then assess the moment.  At first, you could find you hate it…but most often, we may be thankful for the opportunity to have tried it.  And if we look at the big picture – we are truly richer for the experience.  It’s not hard to embrace this mindset.  Take it from me…it’s a piece of cake!

www.insightfulvoice.com

Just Isn't My Gig

Last night I was watching an episode of Flipping Out on Bravo and Jeff, the owner and star of the reality show, was contemplating firing his assistant, Sarah.  As he talked with his boyfriend, he didn’t understand why after much training, Sarah still wasn’t delivering acceptable work.  His boyfriend responded, “Maybe this just isn’t her gig.”

Simple, but true.  Some of us spend our days in a job where we struggle on a weekly, sometimes daily basis and never seem to get where we most want to go.  When you find out what you are truly called to do…you’re no longer waiting for the moment for all to be well.  You are in your moment and all is well.  I am beginning to face the reality that some things just might not be my gig.  Now, I have DECIDED to use my mistakes to help me move forward.  Is it time for you to make that decision as well?

Out Of The Moment

I was traveling on a business trip and meeting my client for the first time and feeling anxious and nervous.  What am I’m going to say?  What if they ask me about their business – do I know enough?  What’s going to happen?  
 

This is an example of me being not only out of my mind…but also out of the moment.  Waiting and anticipating the moment.  Out of touch with what keeps  me calm.  Out of center…floating around in uncertainty.

It’s funny, I don’t feel this way when I’m life coaching.  To get to this moment in my life I was able to ask the right questions and pay enough attention to understand and discover what I was really supposed to do.  It feels right.  It feels in the moment.  The questions stop and the answers start.  What’s so rewarding about this, is that everyone has the opportunity to feel this way.

Just For You…

Are you looking to get back In The Moment so that you don’t have to face questions of uncertainty?  Starting Wednesday, September 7th, you can sign up for a 30 minute free consultation on www.insightfulvoice.com. 

A "Peace" Of Paper

A couple of years ago, one of my clients fired the team I was working on.  It was hard to not take it personally, since I was the lead on the account.  Being fired was harsh, but the words the client said over the phone were some I’ll never forget.

That night when I got on the train to go home, I tried to convince myself that everything was going to be alright.   I said it over and over again, but the more I said it in my mind, the less I believed it.  Then a girl with long blonde hair got on the stop after mine.  She sat across from me and began to quietly cry.  She kept her face down and tried to cover it with her hair so no one would notice.  I then took out a piece of paper from my bag and wrote down the phrase “Everything is going to be alright!”  As I stepped off the train, I handed her the note.

When I walked on to the train platform, I turned around to see if she was reading it.  And she looked at me and mouthed the words, “Thank You.”  And that’s when I really got the message that everything was going to be alright.

Although I don’t know what she was crying about – I have learned that all pain is the same.  This truth also allows me to know that if you understand you are not alone, it helps to alleviate whatever pain you’re feeling and in the end you can really believe ALL is going to be RIGHT.

www.insightfulvoice.com

Watching Alert!

If you’re like me, you can’t believe this extraordinary weather we’re having.  Hurricane Irene has shut down the city.  In the ten years I’ve lived here, I’ve never known the MBTA (Boston's public transportation system) to completely close.   And this is just one of the many steps officials and residents have taken as we all watch and wait. 
 
Last Tuesday, we were also in a state of watching and waiting when a geological earthquake, the strongest East Coast tremor in 67 years, caused damage to older buildings, shutting down much of the nation’s capital and affecting tens of millions of people from New England to South Carolina. 

It’s not surprising that this week we have all focused on the pending inconveniences each weather alert brings to our lives.  I’ve been talking to many friends on the east and southern coast about how interesting it is that we are all experiencing and witnessing the same thing, and one of them said something very wise and very true.  There is an opportunity to change our mindset about what is taking place.  Although we may feel that we are dealing with these weather alerts from different parts of the country or points of view, it reminds us – no matter where we are coming from, we are all connected in some small way as we watch and wait.

No Shoes, No Service?

I was riding the bus home after a long day at work and heard an older woman about five to six seats away talking LOUDLY on her cell phone.  She was talking as if her cell phone was a bull horn, or as if she was acting out a one-woman-play called, “Where You At?”   She was disturbing the peace…mostly, my peace.  But hold on to your hats, ladies and gentleman, that’s not all.  I looked down and she didn’t have on any shoes.  Just white socks!  Let the judging begin:

Really?!?! What state of mind do you have to be in to not wear shoes on public transportation?  Now, I’m questioning the validity of her cell phone conversation.  Was there even anyone on the other end of that call? Did NO SHOES mean NO SERVICE?

Then she got off the bus.  When she exited, there was a younger woman waiting for her.  The younger woman had just put her cell phone away, then hugged the older woman and gave her a pair of shoes.  They both sat on the bench while the older woman put on her shoes.

Hello everyone….my name is James Singleton and I’m going to hell.

I stopped judging because I started thinking about how similar the older woman talking on the phone was to me and pretty much everyone I know.

No matter what…no matter who she was (or how loudly she was talking) – she WANTED connection.  More importantly, she DESERVED connection.  On the other end of that phone – there was someone who cared.

In this rare case – no shoes, meant service.  It also meant connection.

Seven Blocks

One afternoon, I decided to grab a cab after a day of shopping to drop my packages home.  Once we turned on to Tremont Street in the bustling South End neighborhood, the driver asked if I was familiar with any of the restaurants we drove past and which one would be ideal for a date. 

I said, “Well, is it a first date, second…how long have you been dating?”

He replied, “I don’t typically date a girl for more than one month.”

“Why is that?," I asked.

He answered, “I don’t know…maybe fear of commitment? But I DO know I eventually want to be in a relationship.”

What he and I didn’t realize at the time is that our talk was what would be considered an initial coaching call.  So, I asked, “Are you looking for a girl who would be OK with you dating other people?”

He stopped the cab in front of my door – then turned around and gave me a look as though he had never considered that question before.  After a brief pause, he said, “Do you think I could find that?”

And I replied, “The question wasn’t do you think you can find it…the question is – what is it that you are looking for?”   

I paid the fare and we said our good-byes and good lucks.  Then he drove away…to drive beyond the 7 blocks that got him to a question. 

Just For You…

If you find yourself repeating a pattern…you’re stuck, but you want to get beyond the 7 blocks – consider signing up for a free 30 minute consultation to get in touch with your Insightful Voice.