He's Just Not That Into Black

As I reflect on Martin Luther King Jr. Day and all that it means for all races of human beings, I can’t help but think of a very hard lesson that I learned from believing what someone else thought of me.

It was my first year in Boston and I was at a bar with one of my white friends.  After we ordered cocktails, we started a conversation with a random stranger sitting next to us.  Thirty minutes into a very fun and light conversation, my friend went to the bathroom and the random stranger began to tell me how much he liked my friend.  He ended this long gushing review by saying, “Yeah, he’s totally my type.  Blond, blue eyes, tall.  Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m just not into black guys.”

Someone had the audacity to say that to me?  He was ruling this decision by perceptions of what he thought of me based on my race.   Unfortunately, his thinking and views seeped into my consciousness and planted a seed that I was not good enough to be considered.  It made me think that a majority of people would rule me out of a romantic relationship just because of the color of my skin.  And I swam in this lie and allowed it to dictate how I felt about myself and how I moved about life.  For a moment, I allowed it to jeopardize my ability to succeed personally and professionally.

What I learned is that this would eventually give me the opportunity to feel what it means to be free of someone else’s perception of me.  To base who I am on what others think of me is dismissing my journey of who I have come to be.  In fact, it’s not who we are, it’s who we are becoming that’s most important.  I allowed this one small moment in my huge life to knock me off my life course.

Spiritual activist and life coach Marianne Williamson says, “The miracle of our existence is a cause for celebration” – just the fact that we are here on this earth makes us worthy of all that is good and the freedom to be who we are.   And the person who judges based on perceptions has no idea of your amazing future and potential.  This life lesson has allowed me to remove myself from what others think and now I can truly live with intention, purpose, and in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., “Free at last!”

www.insightfulvoice.com

My Interview with Carol Burnett

I was 19, an aspiring TV journalist and my parents had gotten me tickets to see a Q&A with the one and only Carol Burnett.  The performance would be similar to the “Bump Up the Lights” segment she does with the audience during her popular TV show.   After the Q&A, I would be invited to join Ms. Burnett and 100 of her closest fans for a special reception.  Since I was a reporter for my college TV news show, this would be the perfect opportunity to get a one-on-one interview with this comedic legend.  My plan was to ask her for the interview during the Q&A then conduct it at the special reception.

There I was in the theatre. I was nauseous, nervous and short of breath.  I knew if I didn’t ask for the interview during the Q&A session – it wouldn’t happen.  My dream would die because of not trying, and would lead to me not understanding the courage I had to ask for what I wanted. 

Before I knew it, she walked on the stage to deafening applause.  Then she said, “Let’s bump up the lights…who has a question?”  And my anxiousness and desire to make this dream a reality came over me.  I stood to my feet on shaking legs and asked through the lump in my throat for what I wanted:

“Ms. Burnett (gulp) I’m in college - I’ve loved you for years and I’m attending the reception afterwards.  Can I get an interview with you?”

The audience laughed.  I felt stupid.

She replied, “Why don’t you ask me a question now?”

Who the hell knows what I said next because all I could think was – I was just turned down for that one-on-one.  Then I sat down….defeated. 

After the Q&A, I was so embarrassed and sat in my car outside of the reception hall debating if I should go in.   But I did anyway and melted into the large crowd of people waiting for her at the entrance of the hall.  Then – she walked in, flanked by two security guards.  Everyone wanted a piece of her, but I was too deflated and decided to hide in the crowd.  But somehow she saw me…she pointed to me and yelled, “You were the one who wanted the interview…where shall we go to do this?”

I was shocked speechless. She took my hand and we both participated in my dream.  I learned, “Ask and you shall receive” is not just a saying, it’s truly a way to live.  When the possible seems impossible, I talk myself into making my dreams come true.   I’ve stopped pursuing opportunities saying, “What do I have to LOSE?” Instead I ask, “What do I have to GAIN?”  Because I asked for what I wanted and made it known to others, I was able to step back and be encouraged by my courage.  This year – make a plan, step out on faith, ask for what you want and the opportunity will follow.

www.insightfulvoice.com

Being Guided by Betrayal

My betrayal came in the form of someone cheating on me.  It was hard for me to understand why he did it.  What did I do to make him cheat?  What did this mean for our future?  I tried to answer these questions alone but realized they were somewhat irrelevant and knowing the answers would not accomplish my heart’s goal.  What I most wanted to do was find a way to move beyond the pain and alleviate the hurt.

I decided to meet up with him for dinner and tell him how this betrayal affected me.  At the end of our conversation, I was going to be the “better” person and forgive him.  However, my intentions for the discussion were pompous and completely self-serving.  I wanted him to tell me how broken he was, how he regretted his decision to betray me and, overall, that he wanted me back.  None of this happened.  He offered no remorse.  No apologies.   It was a harsh good-bye.  I was left in the same place…still betrayed.

It wasn’t until six months later that I truly got what I should have done in that situation. When I told him I forgave him, I should have said that for me.  And I should have meant it with no expectations that he would return the sentiment.  I learned that true forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past - in other words, giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

While the hurt was still there – I just had to give myself permission to feel it.  Repressed hurt is like an inflatable ball being pushed beyond the surface of a swimming pool.  You can push it down all you want, but you eventually get tired of holding it and soon, it will come back up and hit you in the face.  Letting go of your hope for the past will eventually deflate hurt.  And then you can use hope for its true purpose…to guide you into a loving relationship that you deserve.

www.insightfulvoice.com

Scott Kearnan: Dwelling In the Process

The Five Things Scott are Thankful For:

1. Family - As I Define It (I feel boring saying this, but it's #1)
2. Courage
3. An Inquisitive Mind
4. Tradition
5. Madonna

Josh Beasley: Communicating Real Joy

Five Things Josh Beasley is Thankful For:

1. The ability to change and grow.  I am grateful for my own ability to change – even when it’s hard to hear and difficult to make that change.  Without that change, I would never be able to live my best life!  But I also appreciate other people’s ability to change and grow!  When I get to see that, it’s like being given a glimpse behind the curtain of a miracle!

2. My amazing friends who support and love me through everything life throws my way!  Together we talk, laugh, cry, pray, eat, drink and dance our way through this journey and I couldn’t think of a better way to do it! 

3. Things that make me laugh because they remind me to not take everything so damn seriously.  Sometimes it’s the mindless giggles caused by The Simpsons.  Or my drunken friends (most of them) as we one-up each other into big, loud, belly-laughs!  Laughter helps me remember to breathe, to relax and to let go! 

4. The realization that I deserve good things in my life.  This is a BIG one!  On the surface I’ve been told I don’t come across as insecure, but I’ve struggled for years with low self-esteem.  I have always had a negative kernel deep inside telling me I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve better, I can’t maintain.  Until recently, this small but powerful lie has dictated more of my life than I want to admit.  But it is a lie based in fear; it is not reality!  Knowing that means I get to choose, I am not dictated to by my fear.  “When you know better, you do better.”

5. Having a job that I love that also makes a difference in the lives of other people.  Anyone in my life knows that I work in nonprofit organizations and will probably never leave this type of work.  As I’ve grown personally, I’ve been able to grow professionally as well.  It is such a blessing to use the gifts I’ve been given to help others!

www.insightfulvoice.com

Alex Gonzalez: Identifying Passion and Service

Five Things Alex Is Thankful For:

1. My family: my parents have worked so hard their whole lives to make sure I had opportunities they never had. They are the single biggest influence on my life.

2. My mentors: as the first member of my family to go to medical school, I have really needed to rely on the advice of teachers and colleagues throughout my training and career. Their guidance has meant so much to me, because it has been offered not out of a sense of obligation but out of a genuine interest in helping me succeed.

 3. The book: "Outing Yourself" by Michelangelo Signorile. I grew up in a very conservative and insular environment. This book was the closest thing to an "It Gets Better" video that we had in 1999. If I hadn't read it, I doubt I'd be successful, happy -- and perhaps even alive -- today.

 4. My patients: My patients, and the 16,000 patients of Fenway Health, are an automatic daily affirmation for me. It's extremely rewarding to know that such special people -- some of them very vulnerable, with tough struggles in their lives -- can trust me and depend on me to help them.

 5. My friends: They say that friends are family that you choose to have in your life. I'm so lucky to have friends from every phase of my life. It brings me so much joy to get to share in their lives, to watch how much we have all grown up. And since I'm so far away from my family in Miami, I really value my friends up North as a source of support, solace, and celebration.
www.insightfulvoice.com

Jimmy Rock: Being Who You Are...Unapologetically

Five Things Jimmy Rock Is Thankful For:

1.  My friends:  During undergrad and law school, I happened upon some kindred souls that have stayed close by me on life's journey.  This small group of guys know me completely and it is a relief to know they are there for me no matter what.  Most of has have wandered off to different cities at this point and one of my favorite parts of the year is when we all (or mostly all) get together.  it is a time when I can let my guard down, and generally just cut up and enjoy being around them.  You know who you are and I love you guys.
2.  My boyfriend:  What can I say, anyone that is willing to put up with me for four years and counting is a saint.  We have been through a lot in those four years, most of it good, and I look forward to the next forty.  Match.com said we were only 80% compatible, but that is only on our worst days.  Most of the time its closer to 83%.  I love you, Tom!

3.  Karaoke and/or Piano Bars: It is true, I have been known to belt out a showtune or two and my rendition of Holly Near's Daddy's Hands will bring a tear to the eye of the most jaded queen.  I am always on the search for a new haunt when on the road -- my current top three are Marie's Crisis in Greenwich Village, Tavern on Camac in Philly and the Front Porch Bar in P-Town.  And, of course, if James and I are ever together, and you should catch our version of Copacabana, you will be the thankful one. 
4.  My Parents:  Joyce and Calvin are simply the best.  They supported me without hesitation when I came out and gave me the space to move off and be who I wanted to be without too much grief.  And they are surrogate parents to most of my friends too!
5.  Rooms in church basements:  They have saved my life.      

www.insightfulvoice.com